It started with an orgasm. An orgasm that tasted like light and felt like time had stopped…only it was more than a feeling, time had actually stopped. Sex Criminals, created by Matt Fraction and Chip Zdarsky for Image Comics, chronicles the experiences and adventures of Suzie Dickson and Jon Johnson. Those of you unfamiliar with Sex Criminals are probably quite confused as to what makes Suzie and Jon so special. Well, Suzie and Jon both possess the power to freeze time when they orgasm. They enter what Jon refers to as “Cumworld” and Suzie calls “The Quiet”. Up until their first sexual encounter with each other, the duo was initially under the impression that they were alone and unique in their orgasmic situation.
Over the course of the series and their relationship, the two of them discover more about each other and their rather raunchy powers, which they use to rob the bank where Jon works.Sex Criminals is one of the most interesting comics and concepts that I’ve seen or experienced in quite a long time, so I figured what better comic to become a live-action TV series than a show about literal time-stopping orgasms. So ladies and gents, without further ado here’s my dream fan cast for a Sex Criminals show.
Zazie Beez as Suzie Dickson
As one would expect, Suzie discovered her powers during her first time masturbating. Suzie would write down and keep up with every experience she had while entering the place she dubbed “The Quiet” as a way to better understand what was happening. For quite some time, she searched for others like her and eventually came to the conclusion that she was alone–only to be proven wrong later when she has sex with Jon. I chose Zazie Beetz to play Suzie because I could totally see her embodying the quirky, intellectual character that is always searching for answers. She feels like an indie film kind of girl, sort of how I imagine Suzie.
Dev Patel as Jon Johnson
Jon is the male protagonist of the book. Just like his girlfriend Suzie Dickson, Jon has the ability to freeze time when he orgasms. He refers to this place where time is frozen and still as “Cumworld”, which he named after a sex shop he would visit during his time in the frozen world. Jon is also an actor that works in a bank, the very same bank that he and Suzie will later rob using their sticky superpowers. Jon has an adorably geeky and charming, yet sexy quality to him, which instantly made me think of either John Krasinski or Dev Patel. I chose Dev for the role because he is a seriously talented and multifaceted actor who has yet to appear in a comic book based film. Dev would do a fantastic job of bringing Jon to life.
Lizzy Caplan as Rachelle Jackson
Rachelle is Suzie’s roommate and best friend. The two of them met in high school around the time when Suzie was first discovering her power and gaining more interest in sex, as it related to not just her powers, but also her coming of age. Back in school, Rachelle was considered to be one of the more experienced girls, so she took Suzie under her wing and attempted to teach her everything she knew about sex. Rachelle is the smart, quirky girl character who is extremely down to earth, which is why it would be the perfect role for Mean Girls and Masters of Sex alum Lizzy Caplan. Lizzy is great at portraying quick-witted characters full of life.
Samuel Anderson as Dr. Robert Rainbow
Robert Rainbow is Suzie’s OB-GYN as well as a friend of Jon’s. The two know each other from their childhood, and are rather familiar with one another. Robert is a recurring character in the series, and he makes for one of the most interesting characters. I chose Samuel Anderson to portray Robert because I could definitely see him bringing that Danny Pink charm from Doctor Who into a Sex Criminals series.
Catherine Zeta-Jones as Jasmine St. Cocaine
Jasmine St. Cocaine is a former porn star who is now a college professor. Once upon a time, she discovered that just like Suzie and Jon, she could enter the same place that they call “The Quiet” or “Cumworld” upon orgasming. Back when Jon was first discovering his powers, a picture of Miss St. Cocaine was involved. Ever since she discovered her powers, her response has been quite similar to Suzie’s, as she has also recorded, studied, and researched “The Quiet” since she first entered the realm. With a character like Jasmine, it’s important to find an actor that drips sex appeal and intelligence so Catherine Zeta-Jones would be absolutely perfect for it.
Jada Pinkett-Smith as Myrtle “Kegelface” Spurge
Kegelface is the book’s antagonist. She is a member of the Sex Police–an organization tasked with tracking and understanding “Cumworld” as well as protecting it. She personally tasks herself with arresting Suzie and Jon for the misuse of their sticky power. When I was thinking of who should play Kegelface, the only person that came to mind was Jada Pinkett-Smith. Considering her stint on Gotham as the villainously eccentric and fabulously dressed Fish Mooney, I think she would be the perfect actress to portray Suzie and Jon’s nemesis.
In a world where comic books have come to dominate our popular culture and TV screens, Sex Criminals is a prime comic for adaptation. The book does what Image Comics does best: it takes outlandish themes and subjects and makes them so appealing and well written that you can’t help but enjoy them. Sex Criminals takes something as culturally taboo as the orgasm and it just completely has fun with the concept of it being so powerful…that it could actually contain power. In an age of sex positivity, I think Sex Criminals would be a timely hit show if placed on the right network. So here’s to hoping that we get a sex-positive, non-slut-shaming, accurate adaptation of Sex Criminals in the near future…with my cast of course. Also before I close I dare not forget to thank my sista from another mista Britany ( @britany_murphs ) Murphy for the amazing graphics.